There's usually a worse option than the one you're stuck with

Dear person loathing in self pity for all that isn't right in your life,
   I want to challenge you to think about your complaints before speaking them. Your hair isn't cooperating today , its just too curly or straight or has too many split ends, its frizzy and wants to be everywhere but where its meant to be, its frustrating! You've spent too long in front of that mirror using every product on the shelf and got nowhere. Its been a waste of time and now you throw it in a messed up knot on top of your head and look in disgust at that mess in the mirror. Its a great start to your day. In a little bathroom stall at the hospital a few miles away a young girl wipes the tears from her eyes after running her hands through the few wisps that the chemo hadn't touched yet.
Your job just told you they expect you to work seven days a week, twelve hour shifts. You're exhausted, haven't had more than five hours sleep since god knows when and now they want more out of you, you're underappreciated and curse the name of your employer. A few houses down a father of three just lost his job, and can't find another that pays well enough to support that family of his, he's in tears after the last collection call. His children are hungry and he doesn't know how he's going to keep a roof over his families head.
And then there's that mom who just wants a break, you don't know how not to speak in baby language, your little audience has spent their entire day screaming mama mama mama and demanding for that same blues clues episode to be played the thirtieth time that morning, those clothes you just spent the last hour washing drying and folding were ripped out of the basket before you had chance to put away and that milk your toddler just had to have five minutes before was instead dumped on all those once clean clothes, you've already changed their diaper five times and its smelling again as you try to change them they decide to roll just to give you a better mess to clean up, during nap time you had to stand outside the door and remind them it's night nights for the full hour so they'd stay in bed they finally fall asleep and you have five minutes of peace when the dog barks relentlessly at the harmless squirrel in the tree and wakes up that now cranky monster, you cooked dinner then had to clean spaghetti out of your hair after they decided tossing noodles when your finished in quite appropriate, you're exhausted but still have lunches to pack for the next day a kitchen to clean and clothes to rewash all to start the same process over tomorrow. You're about to lose your mind. That same day a expectant mother went in for a checkup and the doctors couldn't find a heartbeat, she's now in the process of delivering her lifeless child. Another after trying to conceive for two years takes yet another negative pregnancy test and cries uncontrollably knowing that she may never have the chance to experience the chaos you live every day, another mother visits the grave of her laid to rest to soon baby that should be gallivanting through that field not laying beneath it.
You see whatever it is that you find to complain about, someone else may be in tears wishing for your opportunity. The ones that are experiencing the rough side of life are usually the strongest of us. They typically aren't posting every thing that pains them, and seeing your endless whining about the life they would die for just may make it that much more difficult on them. Just think about it and try to appreciate all that may bring you down. It might make your life feel that much more worth living.

Clusterfucked Relationship Philosophy

Sometimes I wonder if I'm just meant to be alone. I can't ever quite justify someone loving me. No matter how much I might care about them, I always seem to fail them. I can't keep up to par with their expectations. I appreciate the single life when you shut off your heart and emotions and your only expectations is sex on a booty call. I can fulfill that role pretty damn well. Its easy to not let down in that area, but hell even if you do you really don't care. It protects your heart and soul from pain. Unfortunately, that's not necessarily the reputation I  want for myself for my child's sake. So I  allow you to go and open up my heart and have me trying to win yours now there's substance to the relationship, now I'm vulnerable, now I risk hurt, if I let you down I'm going to be crushed. and all this pressure triggers something that has me about to get my crazy on. I don't believe I've ever been what you'd call amazing. Not many have valued me once I have allowed them in. They might fight like hell for opportunity to have my heart but once they have it they move on. To give it away literally has me half terrified. And this time I have even more invested into this. I honestly love him, I think I may  love him more than I've ever surrendered myself to love in the past. I do it partially because I can't help myself around him. And I do it partially because it was an either all or nothing deal. I knew I couldn't just give part of me to us and expect to have all of him. But all that in mind , I do it because as much as I fear the hurt and rejection I fear it for my son even more. I had to do what was best for him. And I believe that this is what is best. However, I've completely switched my role as me for the last year to be something I ran from and avoided at all cost. And now the more I realize how dependant I've become and the risk this all poses for not only my heart but my baby's as well, yes it has me wiggin. I'm freaking out majorly. Not that this will help any, but it's just coming naturally. Almost as if I have no choice in the matter of the heart. What's got me even more scared is that in this freak out I start to withdraw emotions and retract my dependency. In doing so I think I set myself up for a failed relationship. How is anyone going to love me for starters, but when I do everything possible to test the love that you have miraculously found for me it can only be a matter of time before I break it apart as well. Initiating the very thing that has me wiggin in the first place. See, like I said I'm about to get my crazy on. I start to expect his love to be displayed in this or that way and when it's not I take it to mean the extreme. I have completely readjusted my life, and tho it may seem stupid to say it has been tough on me. It causes me to be even more dependant. Feeling as tho I owe that much more to him and need to be that much better to justify his kindness and love. Yet, I fail. I'm not good at the role I've been given and I think it may be a learned trade, or at least for me. I hope I can learn it , cause it certainly does not come to me naturally. I half way want to give up, before he completely realizes the mistake he made to count on me. Apparently we're all good at something in life, mine just happens to be letting down. I can do that probably better than anything. It's easy to accept that in myself and expect it out of myself and still have confidence in me, when it's only me. I struggle now that someone counts on me, other than my son. The more I think I fail epically in this position rather than trying to do better I seem to do worse. Almost as if I think I can give him the idea to fire me and then it won't hurt so much since it was my idea. How long will I go on testing his love before I just believe it and claim it and reciprocate it? Am I just completely doomed to rejection regardless or can I change the course of history this time? I need to not worry so much about letting him down and whether or not he's happy with me or wants me etcetera ... And I just need to focus on me. Doing me the best I can. I shouldn't pose as a need to him. I don't need his approval I don't need his undying love I don't need his admiration. To receive any of the above is simply to be appreciated, it excels the mandatory relationship blocks that I should simply be pleased are currently in place. I should be the best possible me and see it as he is either along for the ride or not. I shouldn't be a drain to the relationship by this constant needy, annoying , emotionally distressed person I've been. What's that going to do for us but possibly tear it down to the point that the exact fear that has me in this state comes true, and all thanks to me. And all that clusterfucked philosophy is exactly what has me wondering why the fuck I ever attempted another relationship. I'm not good in them, I should have learned by now. Oh well, I suppose it's too late to be cured by a little dose of reality and so I suppose I should try to alter my ways and perhaps switch it up enough that I keep history from repeating itself.

The Dare

I dare you to love me. That is quite the statement, right? There is power to it. For some reason the other day I decided to search the meaning of flowers. When I read what the tiger lily represents, I was impressed. Occasionally in life you are just straight up impressed by how perfect something can piece together. Something will stand out and hit you, and make you stop to consider. It's a wow moment. Something that just happens to make sense and you know it is right for you. You know that there was power in that thought and you were meant to hear it and dwell on it. For as long as I can remember the tiger lily has served as my favorite flower. Ive always had an appreciation for its dauntless and completely unique beauty.  It is bold and stands out from every other flower. It produces large fiery orange petals that are saturated in a quite distinctive design of dark spots. Its very characteristics could be considered blemished or an unbecoming harsh style. Yet, it stands strong with what appears unwavering confidence. A tiger lily is also referred to as a ditch lily for they are commonly found braving the unpleasant ditches and decorating the icky roadsides with their presence. They fight their way through a imperfect scenario and still stand strong and echo a beautiful courage.  Perhaps I admire that quality in them. They stand there bearing their entire soul to the world. Unashamed. I dare you to love me. Love what makes me, me. I stand here, unashamed of who I am. This is it. This is what you get. Love it or not, I'll still be standing here as me. I don't cower in fear and attempt to cover the unique facets of my stripped soul. I don't want you to only want the best side of me. I don't want to cover up my natural side or stage a performance that makes you fall. No. If you are going to love me, you must love me as a whole. Love the good, the bad, the ugly. Every part of me. Fall in love with my worst side. If you can love that, there's a chance you deserve to love the best of me as well. I stand here.  I don't mask ... me. No make up, just my ordinary hair, every day clothes. Thats me. Can you handle it? Can you love it? Can I expose who I really am and you fall for my honesty? I serve no part in a matinee. I show you my weakness. I show you my doubts. I show you my fears of allowing someone in. I show you my insecurity. I show you my flaws. I show you my damaged self. I show you my crazy. Here it is, it is set out for you to see. You'd better make sure you take it all in. You must accept every part of me. If you want any part of me. This is what I offer. So it's your choice. Go ahead. I dare you. I dare you to love me. And then I dare myself to be loved. And to love in return....